PETS

Marco and I have a difference in opinions when it comes to pets. Marco is a firm believer that a dog is man’s best friend. Without it, man is incomplete, reaching only half of his potential. All of our friends have dogs and whenever we visit he spends his time wrestling and playing with them. As soon as we’re about to leave, he gazes forlornly at them, as if they were forbidden fruit.

It’s not that I don’t like dogs, I just feel that it’s rather cruel to keep them locked in an apartment all day. It’s not like we have a yard for them to run around and play in. Gone would be the carefree, spirited weekends were we could just go, hello to responsibility that keeps us grounded in one place….

We’ve attempted several compromises. There was the fish Dot that my sister gave him for Christmas. She lasted approximately 72 hours before my sister-in-law’s boyfriend decided to end her short life by accidentally dehydrating her. Then there was the reptile “aquarium” that took place in the bathtub. That lasted until I went to take a shower. Oh, and then there was the small garden snake and bullfrog that were kept in the spare bathroom sink and somehow their portraits were burned onto my wedding album cd. What a surprise I was in for when I went to print pictures to send to a friend! Thinking that I had finally found the perfect pet, I offered to buy Marco a hermit crab or snail. They require little maintenance and take up no space but I was told they have no personality and he wasn’t interested.

Enter the ducks…

Seeing as most housing and apartment developments in this area are situated on lakes, some twisted developer thought it would enhance the properties outward beauty by installing ducks. The idea seems quaint; a peaceful lake with cute little white ducks swimming gracefully through glassy waters. However, I don’t think that much thought was given to the fact that ducks grow up and make more ducks. Now the once tranquil lakes are overrun with these things and they are now living like vagrants in the parking lot.

Marco couldn’t resist and diligently feeds them on a daily basis. There are two in particular (who by the way are gay) that he has trained to come to his call. They have moved into the bushes next to the stairwell and every morning and evening they wait expectantly for Marco to arrive. However lately, they’ve become even more brazen.

One Saturday I opened the door to take the trash out and there were the two ducks standing at our door. Now this might not seem like anything but we live on the third floor! All I could do was roll my eyes. “Honey!” I called as I slammed the door shut, “You have some friend at the door wanting to see you!” Marco’s face was priceless as he opened the door and they began to waddle their way in. “No, um, we had an agreement, no pets,” I said. “Tell your friends to leave, they’re not welcome here.” I guess the joke was on me, because later that afternoon when I went down to my car, duck poop was all over my hood and windshield.

Last Saturday we were headed to the beach. As we were putting things into the back end of the car, up waddled the two ducks. “No way,” I said. “There’s no way you’re coming with us.” Just like a child, they wandered over to the stairwell and began hopping the steps one at a time, meeting Marco half way. “Ahhh, look at the poor, lonely things,” Marco cooed. Exasperated, I looked at him. “There’s absolutely no way we’re bringing them to the beach!”

Since then, these ducks wait downstairs for us. I’ve tried going down the back staircase, leaving the house before the sun rises, parking in different parts of the parking lot. It’s to no avail, they know where I live and what I drive! Last night I arrived home, parked in another building’s parking lot and as I opened my door, there standing were the two ducks. If I don’t feed them, they get obnoxious; they honk, hiss, and flail their wings at me. I don’t know what’s scarier, them or the sight of me racing through the parking lot, papers flying, as two ducks are chasing me.

Marco finds the whole thing quite comical. As soon as he appears they become angelic, wagging their little tail feathers as if they’re pure as snow while leaving behind their nasty marks all over my windshield and hood. Recently Marco’s talked about taking the ducks with us when we move… I think I need to give in and get a dog!